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how do I get over the feeling of blowing my brains out for finding...

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how do I get over the feeling of blowing my brains out for finding some women hot? I thought it was going away with HRT, it didn't, I hate this, I hate this so much, the worst part about it is that I also find some men hot, so why, why did God curse me with gynephilia, just to make me feel like a straight man, I legit wanna be shot out a canon straight to the sun everytime a woman arouses me, it makes me feel so dirty, I want to cry and be raped and killed and the ressurected and raped and killed again just bc some stupid fucking picture made me slightly aroused

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