I'm 5'2 and ftm. I can't see a future for myself except transitioning, dropping off the face of the earth, and stealthing the rest of my life. Anything else fills me with untameable dread. I know that fundamentally it will not work. I'm an ugly woman and I'd make an uglier fake man, but I'd really rather be the ugliest man than the hottest woman. So maybe I'm just retarded. Being even 5'6 is a far off dream. It's so pathetic. I haven't masturbated for 3 years because my dysphoria has gotten so bad. I'm afraid people will think I only transitioned because I failed as a woman, and I have, but I've felt this way for as long as I can remember (to varying degrees). Chicken or the egg. Just getting worse.
If it doesn't work, I'll just kill myself. Try not to drag it on if it's not working, save the embarrassment of failing to be a man or woman. Even fantasizing about my death, I want to do it the way people tell me a man would. A gunshot, no note, discovered long after it happens.
In my perfect dream life, I'm tall and have a short wife and we have a dog. I want all the little classic clashes of stereotypical heterosexual marriage. She says she feels protected with me. I have a union job, I'm friends with men who don't really give a fuck about me but think I'm funny (or stupid). I want to have a hairy body and rough hands and a buzzcut. I want to get random boners.
Thinking so hard about it feels fembrained.